Jessie's Notebook

There's been a change in me
A kind of moving on
Though what I used to be
I still depend on
For now I realize
That good can come from bad
That may not make me wise
But oh it makes me glad

I have made quite a huge decision and I feel really at peace with it, which is good.

I have decided that I no longer wish to sing with my church choir. Our choir director, Karen, recently quit because of the amount of changes the music program was going through. At first I was willing to go with the flow, but now the choir directors are inconsistent and the choir’s token crazy person has kind of taken over, so it’s just going to get too hard to learn and practice my songs.

The new choir director and musical facilitator at the church have both suggested I learn to read music. I think this suggestion was very naive and unfair. For one thing I’m a student and learning to read music doesn’t happen overnight.

Honestly, it feels right to be done now. Next week I’m going to sing my favourite psalm, one I’ve wanted to sing since I started and then I’ll be finished. I think it’s important to stop while it’s still fun and not wait till I’m suffering through every minute. A lot of the parishioners will be disappointed, but I have to do what feels right for me.

I’m going to keep volunteering. I get real joy from helping out at the church. I’m welcoming and next year I’ll put my name down to read and hand out the hosts, so this really isn’t the end, it’s a time to move on and I feel really good about it.

It’s a time to change; I’ve been doing a lot of that lately.

Most of you have met my new boyfriend, Robin. He just got back from a business trip to New York and I was surprised at how much I missed him, considering I’d been having a lot of doubts about my own willingness to devote myself to a relationship. I enjoy being around him and he’s so utterly cool and interesting. He juggles and rides a unicycle and FIRE DANCES! Seriously you guys this is something you have to see. It was absolutely amazing.

We talked about the direction of our relationship and how we’re both more comfortable with just having fun right now and seeing where that leads. I feel really lucky to have found a guy who’s very understanding to my needs, he really tries hard to take the pressure off, plus he can cook, dance and it quite intelligent. I like that he challenges me, but not in a way that makes me inferior.

Wow, I totally didn’t mean to spill my guts but I’m glad I did. It feels good to type out my feelings.

Schools going well, we’re getting down to crunch time and I have my first final on Wednesday. Of course this means I’ll be a bit absent for the next couple of weeks, but know that I shall be with you in sprit during your random miss-adventures.

I love you all!

Jessie.

And I-- I never thought I'd leave behind
My childhood dreams but I don't mind
I'm where and who I want to be
No change of heart
A change in me

Just a bit of self-pimping. Please come out and support me and Marisa at the Mother Theresa Craft show this Saturday the 14th from 10-3! If you want you can make it my birthday present.

Hope to see you all there.
<3

Oh my gosh my sister just told me some great news!

All you St. Joseph veterans should remember Suhani, originally from India. She's been living in Calgary with her husband and they are now expecting their first baby, due in May!

Suddenly I feel very old.

Spread the word and keep Suhani and her growing family in your prayers!

God bless!

Usually when a class has been moved the courteous thing to do is to call the student BEFORE it starts not fifteen minutes after.

SIAST is infuriating.

Anyway I'm going to buy Gerber daisies

See you all tonight!

And the tradition lives on!

And here I am with a picture update of all things!

I recently went to get some of my hair cut off and came out of it with a look I wasn't crazy about and began to loath as time went on. I went back today to get it fixed and I'm much happier now. Shelley tried to convince me to post a before and after shot but I just couldn't bring myself to immortalize the nasty haircut. However I do have a picture of my current look for you're enjoyment!



Also I just had to share my latest acquisitions. My family and I have been helping an elderly friend of ours move into a senior's home. She took everything she wanted from her old apartment and told us to help ourselves to the rest. Along with some necklaces that I used to make rosaries, there were some other items which I claimed...



Did I ever tell anyone how much I love pillows? I sleep really well when I have a ton of pillows surrounding me. Soon I shall raise my own pillow army and together we shall take over and transform the world into one big soft ball! MU HAHAHA!

Okay I'm kinda loosing it, time to go to bed.

Love you guys!
Jessie

I realized something today. I realized why I hate studying. Putting aside the fact that it’s horribly boring and my own personal arch-enemy—studying brings with it absolutely no sense of accomplishment. You can sit for hours and hours and hours and read the same thing over and over again and at the end all you have to show for it is a bunch knowledge, which is packed into your head so tightly that you can’t bring yourself to think about it or else your brain might explode inside your skull.

Colourful, no?

I have a test on Tuesday but I couldn’t not in my right mind bring myself to study for it when I also have three unfinished assignments due in two weeks.

Two weeks.

Don't even get me started on the one that's due in the beginning of November.

I don’t remember ever being this dedicated in high school.

I needed to sit and finish everything I could on those assignments first before I could study. And now that I’m finished the majority of them I feel like I’ve accomplished something. I feel like I’m ahead of the game and now I’m able to waste time sitting and reading the same thing over and over again.

I like assignments, I’m good at assignments. I’ve made them into a game where I try and make them as creative as possible. Take the essay I wrote today; we were supposed to come up with two possible ways of dealing with a situation which was given to us. We needed to analyze them and the methods we used to reach the outcome. So I turned the whole thing into a story, complete with character background, story line and dialogue. I wrote the analysis and explanations into the narrative.

Sometimes I’m so awesome it’s frightening.

As I was saying I like assignments because I can keep going back to them and making them better. I can keep looking up more stuff as I need to and I have days and days to work on them. With a test I have to memorize everything and then answer questions about it. One shot no take backs.

Plus I absolutely despise studying.

Anyway I’m feeling pretty good now and I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to focus on my notes tomorrow. Not only that but I get to go and buy another fluffy pillow for my bed. Now that enough to brighten anyone’s day.

G’nite!

Super awesome news to share!

I got back my first assignment from my Role of Play class. 100% BABY! I'm really proud of myself, I worked really hard on the assignment and it's awesome when it pays off! Plus it didn't hurt that I turned it into one big scrapbooking project

I'm hoping I can keep up the rhythm but since all upcoming assignments are essays and written assignments so I'm not holding out for anymore perfect scores! Still way to start off the year!

That is all

No matter how many times it happens, I'm still embarrassed by how much of a blond I am.

So I decided it would be a good idea to show up to ballroom dance sign up without a partner. (Also I didn't have enough cash on me but that wasn't an issue because they wouldn't let me sign up anyway).

So here I am pleading with any male (or female who wishes to learn the lead part in ballroom) who would be willing to sign up with me. Does anyone know anyone who would want to sign up? Does anyone know anyone who knows anyone who'd be willing to sign up?

My last resort would be to fill out a form for George Curious and front the cost for another entry. But I'm not that desperate...yet.

Anyway, any help would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks!

Today was a really long day.

Tomorrow won't be as bad.

I'll get better at this.

So today I went back to work after my vacation. It was a normal day I was minding my own business, showing off my Minnie Mouse watch when all of a sudden...

BAM!!

No it wasn't a stray cart.

Mom and Dad showed up to tell me that Kelsey had phoned to let me know I had been accepted into the course for this year. So a week from today I'll be going back to school.

Like I said, holy shit.

So I'm still in a bit of shock, but we went down to Kelsey and talked to the nice lady there so I feel a bit more confident about the whole thing. It'll take some time to get used to the idea, it happened so suddenly though I am looking forward to being able to wear my own clothes and not a stupid work uniform.

Anyway there's going to be a lot of things to discuss at Janel's party. Feel free to call me and congradulate me or, you know, talk me down from my panic.

See you all real soon.

<3

Howdy!

So I'm back. Got in late last night and I'm back to work bright and early tomorrow morning. I have much of the stories and pictures to share but that will have to wait until a time when I'm not getting up at four the next morning.

Later!

Today I had dinner with the Disney Princesses!

We are having so much fun over here in California. This place is Magic pure and simple. Watching the fireworks and walking through Main street. It’s not just another theme park. No matter how much money Disney makes the tread remains the same. They are only in the business of making dreams come true.

I had to explain the concept of “Classic Disney” to my family and all I could think was that I wouldn’t have to justify wanting to go on “Snow White’s Scary Adventure” or “Sleeping Beauty’s Castle Walkthrough” to my friends. These are the very essence of Classic Disney. They possess a quality that has just never been duplicated in the later Disney movies. Everyone really enjoyed walking through the castle, the picture I took are just awesome and I can’t wait to show them to everyone. I really want to go on the Peter Pan ride but it seems to be lined up all the time. It’s another one I have to sell my family on so we’ll see

We went hard the first day, hitting as many rides as we could. Marisa has managed to keep her title of “Most-Likely-to-get-wet” which has amused us to no end. Of course at the end of the day we were dead from exhaustion. We were carful on the second day to take it a bit easier. Day one was spent in Disneyland and Day two was mostly spent in California Adventure.

We had dinner is a restaurant where all the princesses came over to talk to you and we had our picture taken with them. After we went to watch the electrical parade which was just so cool.

It’s hard to document specific things so I’ll be more specific when I get back just wanted to let everyone know I’m having a great time! See you all really soon!

Love,

Jess

The Fireworks were amazing!

So was the monorail train at the Denver Airport. That's so going into Tainted.

More of my adventures in California to come!

<3

I feel good, nanananana. I knew that I would now, nanananana--

Today was my last day at Vacation Bible School. As always I liked being with the kids but the program itself was very disappointing. Example: The windup should not consist of the leaders performing the twelve songs we learned during the week (they did two of them twice)

At 2:00 I had a long awaited appointment at the Spa, where I got a facial, a manicure and a pedicure. It was an awesome experience and I had a lot of fun. I felt very comfortable with the staff and they made me feel very welcome.

To celebrate my parents 27^th anniversary we all went to see “The Time Traveler’s Wife” which made me cry (SHOCKER!) And was one big paradox but still a wonderful movie, one I would highly recommend. Ricki we need to see it together so we can nick pick at the time travel theory. I found it easy to follow but I’m not sure if it’s because I’m well verse with time travel or because the movie was actually easy to follow. My sister found it confusing but good, my dad thought it was awesome and my Mom thought it was dumb.

Oh well

So feeling pretty good right now. Only three more days till we leave for California. We’ll be gone from the 18^th to the 23^rd but I’ll have my lappy so there is sure to be some Disney themed entries coming your way.

=D

So good, so good, I got you!
 

I have asserted myself, quite suddenly and with no warning. It's an astonishing thing, suddenly becoming the type of person who will not let anyone push them around. It started on Wednesday first with the store clerk who was rude to me for no apparent reason, I was happy to thank her for "the great customer service" in a loud voice while leaving the store.

The next day at work I asserted myself with my manager when she decided to give me a really stupid reason as to why we couldn't go for lunch at the usual time. Now of course you know I'm a reasonable person. We've been doing inventory which means we had to take done all the boxes off the overstock selves so the inventory people could count them and then put them back up. We were in the possess of putting back up and at ten in the morning we were hungry and tired and wanted to go for lunch. We asked and our managers reply was no. Apparently we had to put up all the boxes to where the inventory team had finished first.

My reaction: Um...excuse me?

I've been here since five in the morning. For the past five hours I've been killing myself lifting heavy boxes up and done a freaking ladder and you're telling me I haven't gotten far enough yet, so I can't go for lunch?

I don't freaking think so.

So I explained my frustration to her in a very frim but matter of fact voice and told her I was going for lunch, if anyone had a problem with in they could come and talk to me.

Later that day at Cosco I blatant;y stepped in the middle of a line of people with carts so my parents could navigate away from the side where they had become trapped by the traffic.

My Dad: That was kinda rude.

Me: Phphh I don't care

Dad: yeah you really don't. I like this no shit Jessie.

And today after work was the icing on the cake. My car has been in the shop and it's absence seemed to be an invitation for my neibour to park my spot in front of our house. She has been told, by me repeatly that we do not want her parking in front of our house. This time I walked to her front door and explained to her very politely why she couldn't park there.

In retaliation she went to her mother and twisted the encounter to make it look as though I had snapped at her.

*sigh*

Sometimes standing up for yourself is hard. I find it hard to know when to stand up and when to back down. My dad tends to not want to make a fuss, while I have adopted my mom's veiw of not taking any shit from anyone. I feel like if I back down just once, I'll be giving them an in, but I don't want to piss anyone off, even though I am a major pain in the ass.

I don't know where the line is here so I don't know if or when I'm going to cross it. Still, standing up for myself, being the person people no not to mess with feels good. I like this Jessie too, she's been many years in the making.

<3

Angry is good, Angry is fierce and raw and satisfying. Justifiable anger, I mean not stupid anger.

It feels good to be angry, even though I’m not longer angry in an obvious way. The first full shift I worked at Michael’s I came home furious and bitter and unhappy with what my life had become. Now I’m feeling more at peace with the job, I had a good day and I’ve realized how awesome it is to have so many people who love me in my life so I’m no longer angry at life.

I’m angry that someone had almost convinced me that I was a failure at the thing I had worked so hard for. I’m angry that my carefully laid plans have so quickly and swiftly been uprooted. I’m angry that the future is so uncertain right now, even though I have a plan and a backup plan.

I’m angry because it feels good to be angry. The anger makes me feel like I’m not just giving up or taking this crap without a fight. I’ve chosen not to confront the situation because I have nothing to say that would make it any better.

Above all the anger makes me feel powerful, I feel strong. I’m not lying down to die; I’m getting up and continuing on.

I’m still fighting.

I have been asked not to return to the daycare in September.

I'm not good right now.

Edit: I find that the last ten months of my life can accurately be described by this clip from Family Guy:

Desperation, when it comes to me, is easy to recognize. This time it presented itself while anticipating two months with no job, sitting on my butt and getting paid unemployment.

So I swallowed my pride (not an easy thing to do. Didn’t know that did you? I can be very prideful) and went to see my old Manager Daryl at Michael’s.

I’m pretty sure by coming and asking for a job for the summer I made his entire year. I haven’t even finished at the daycare yet and they already have me scheduled for two shifts this weekend doing demos.

I’m back baby!

I’m nervous and excited. I didn’t leave on the best terms with one of the Managers, but it was Daryl who backed me up through all of that so I don’t think it’ll be a problem. The place has really changed and I won’t have to race to clean the store anymore. It’s only for six weeks so the likelihood of me going postal is very slim.

Most of all I know this job like the back of my hand so it’ll be easy, like riding a bike or disarming a nuclear device. It’s all how you look at it.

It’ll be great to have some money coming in over the summer and I’ll have my employee discount back! w00T!

Only eight days left of daycare. We went to Kinsmen Park today and rode the train and the merry-go-round, doesn’t get any better than that.

I just discovered an Almond Chocolate Bar in my drawer.

My outlook has improved greatly =)